• bbaylid

Gone missing.

I miss myself. I’m not sure why, I’m not sure how. It’s laughable when I think about it like… Hello?? You’re right there dummy. I’m not sure how to pinpoint where I got lost- I don’t even really think I’m lost, I think I’m just missing. There is a difference. I know what direction I’m headed, like following the drinking gourd and all that, but I definitely miss going to sleep excited for a brand new day. I kind of feel as though I’m in limbo. Anticipating the rest of my life, not quite living in it yet. Mindlessly, emptily rolling through the motions every day trying to make it there. It’s not necessarily something I’m sad about but I’m not happy about it either. Do you see what I mean? Just in the middle. Just barely an emotion. Accepting that it’s not probably going to change for a while has been helpful. Because I get to look forward to the change. I do have things that make me happy. They have been less prevalent but I’m starting to open my arms wider so they’re easier to come by again. I’m focusing on my future and that is great. Gold star for me. I understand that a lot of joy in life comes from the present moment though. And I know there is a balance. It doesn’t have to be like a wave, one minute you’re riding it then the next it crashes down. I know who I am and all of the things that make me, me are being pushed to shore so I can find her again.

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